Email to Customers About the Coronavirus From That Weird Junk Shop Run By the Guy Your Dad Knows From High School (Plague Diary, 2)

 

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Folks,

Here at Jim’s Funky Junkatorium, our customers and associates are like family. Or at least people we see every now and then and may have followed home one drunken night last Christmas. Anyway, in the last few weeks, we’ve been laser-focused on the health and safety of our friends and loved ones.

We want JFJ customers to know that we’re following federal, state, and local agency guidance regarding the Coronavirus (COVID-19). It’s an evolving situation and we are on top of it!

Steps that JFJ is taking to protect our customers and staff:

In-store

  • Cleaning common areas as well as the freight elevator where our cashier Brad spanks the spigot every day at 1:30. (Yes Brad, you funky-handed scamp, we know.)
  • We’re disinfecting our cash register and credit card terminals; we’ll also no longer accept cash pulled from between boobs or buttcracks.
  • We sanitize the restrooms whenever Pasty Pablo or Stinky Lucy aren’t in there providing “carnal concierge services.”
  • We’re periodically wiping down display items, baskets, dollies, carts, and Brad. Mostly Brad.

For Employees

  • We encourage all JFJ associates to be vigilant about their health. No one is allowed to play snot-rocket bingo in the breakroom anymore.
  • Associates should follow the CDC’s suggested hygiene practices to the letter
  • Asking associates to stay home if they, or a family member get sick. They may also choose to set themselves on fire.

For Customers

  • We ask our customers to follow the CDC’s suggested hygiene practices to diminish viral spread
  • Just a reminder – stay out of the freight elevator.
  • Questions about inventory are welcome! Call our hotline.
  • When shopping, avoid eye contact with Brad.

These are terribly uncertain times. The world has grown wicked creepy scary. But we’ll stay open providing you premium pre-loved goods that have definitely not been stolen or—in the case of personal items—looted from funeral homes. Promise!

We’re open every day, 8 am till midnight or whenever we’re sure Brad has gone home and isn’t watching.

Your JFJ family